The war with my inner voice began many years ago. My personality has always been shy, quiet and reserved which naturally led to me being bullied for as long as I can remember. I remember at primary school not having many friends and the ones I did have being the worst bullies of all (I must have been 6 or 7 at the time). I would come home at least every other day and cry my eyes out to my mum about my friend falling out with me. Oh how I wish I could have told myself these friends aren’t really friends at all, just bully’s pretending to be your friend.
As I started to grow up I wish I could say it got better then this and that I never got bullied again. No far from it, what followed was a long line of being bullied at secondary school, home and work. The result of all these little bits of bullying added up to me never thinking I was good enough, depression, anxiety and panic attacks.
What is bullying? You know that time on facebook where you called someone a name? That time you gossiped when someone made a mistake? The whispering to each other when you see someone different? Letting someone else take the blame for your mistake?
Have you ever stopped to think about the person on the other end of these actions? Surely one of these small things won’t make that person do the worse possible act of suicide! Right? WRONG! That small action could have pushed them over the edge, I know a few of these things almost did for me but I was lucky to have someone pick me up every time I was in pieces and remind me I am good enough.
Why am I writing this? One reason is I’m fed of going on facebook and seeing how nasty people are sometimes. It reminds me of memories of being told I’d never be good enough by my mum’s boyfriend and bullies picking on me for wearing second hand clothes and looking different. The quieter I got the more I was bullied and the more I was bullied the quieter I got and the more I believe it was me not them. One thing I will teach my son to stick up for himself and not just take it.
Years and years I’ve battled trying to change my thinking. My inner voice would tell me after I’ve seen someone that I’ve said something I shouldn’t, I’ve made a fool of myself, they won’t like me, why would they, I’m no good?! I would go over and over it in my mind and eventually I would believe the thoughts, it was true there was no point in seeing people, no point in anything. It would lead to me having panic attacks whenever I was in crowded places or the thought of going to places with people.
People don’t see it so they don’t believe it, when I was at one of my many low points in my life I remember people at work talking behind my back about how I wasn’t sick, I was just lazy and pulling a sicky. Yer right that was why I was sweating and being physically sick before going to that job. It wasn’t until years later that I realised they had nothing better to do then talk about someone who was having a hard time.
I couldn’t shake all the bad stuff that had happened to me from the bullying, to my parents breaking up when I was 11ish, seeing my mum treated like she was nothing by her boyfriend and then watching her suffer with leukaemia, all while being a angry teenager and still being angry that she hadn’t left him after she passed away. How on earn was I meant to deal with all this death and suffering, I just wanted it to end but I knew people would miss me and somehow I clung onto this thought with the help of a few very important people along the way, so thank you to these people (you know who you are) for being there when I needed you the most, I will never forget it.
Harry gave me something extra to fight for something that made me get up in the morning, he is a little ray of light out of a cloud that never seemed to stop pouring. He reminded me of the innocence in the world, the good that can come out of it and also how difficult it is to be a parent.
I want to use this to my advantage and open up more on this blog, I want to share more of my experiences good and bad. Prove to myself I am good enough once and for all.